she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
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