there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
