dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
