youre lurking in front of me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
