I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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