he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
