He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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