Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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