Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
