1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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