There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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