It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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