my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
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