I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I need to sanitize my soul.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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