update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
