how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
