I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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