I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Can I color on your dick again?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
