Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
