Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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