Already got asked if we're dating
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
