So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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