Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
