Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
