Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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