I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
