meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
