The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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