Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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