i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
