whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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