Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
