From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
