my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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