i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
