seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
