If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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