Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
