I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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