I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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