Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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