Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
