it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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