i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
