i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
