Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
