I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
