I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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