meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
