things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
